Language. It's a funny thing.

In my household, we know 3 and are about to know 4.

1. English
2. Cantonese
3. French
4. Sign language (going to learn for/with Oscar)

But that's not the type of language I'm talking about. I'm talking languaging. How you say things. What you say. The power behind the words you choose.

I've got to watch mine. My languaging. I've got to be really present and conscious. I've got a little one to consider. I want to be as clear and clean as I can be with my languaging while in his presence. Because I don't ever want him to think that something that is going on with me is his fault. Or is because of him. I'm sure that there will be tonnes that is, lol, but I'm specifically talking about two things that are going on with me right now.

1. not sure about more babies
2. my shitty self-image

#1: We're all in the know that I'm not sure about more babies. But it's VERY IMPORTANT to me that Oscar never ever ever ever thinks that it's because he was a bad kid, or a rotten baby, or difficult, or cranky, or it was an awful birth experience, or that he was unloved. Because it's none of those (especially the last two). It's simply because I'm afraid that I won't be as lucky the second time around. And then even THAT could lead him to believe it's his "fault", you know? So that's where I'm at with that.

#2: We're all in the know that I'm not happy with the way I look right now.

And it's more than just bad hair.

It's low self-image from the inside. It's bad body-image. I've never looked like this. I've got EXTRA SKIN. Ewwwww. I've got a dull, patchy complexion. I've got DIMPLES ON MY ASS. I've got a weird-lookin' belly button. I've got, yes, bad hair. And don't even get me started on my vagina. (Why the f*ck didn't anyone tell me just what happens with one's vagina after birth? WHY??????) And yes, I know, I had a baby 3 months ago, give it time and I'll lose the baby fat. I know all that.

But I'm still allowed not to like it.

And it has nothing to do with Oscar.

It just has everything to do with the fact that I've looked good my whole adult life, and now I don't. And I don't like it. And I'm not comfortable with it. I don't know how to be this size. I don't know how not to fit into clothes. I don't know how to be this size/shape/way. I know that I'll get back to normal. But right now I'm not, and I can't stand it. I look at recent pictures of myself and I just delete them. All of them. I'm just a hot mess.

I don't blame anything for it. It's just the way it is.

And I'm allowed not to like it. I'm allowed to not be comfortable with the way I look right now.

And so saying all of that, I have to make sure I watch the languaging around Oscar. Again, I would just be devastated if he ever ever ever thought that it was because of him. That my unhappiness with my body-image was even remotely because of him. I mean, I was up to 123lbs before getting pregnant and I was upset about it then... and there was nobody to blame but myself. At least with this weight and EXTRA SKIN, there's a reason for it... a natural reason... a beautiful reason. And it's supposed to be like this. As far as I'm concerned, there's a reason it takes so much time to get rid of it... it means I'm busy taking care of my son; too busy to worry about hitting the gym to work it off (who can get to a gym 4 or 5 times a week when exclusively breastfeeding and unwilling to use the on-site daycare?).

And yet it still doesn't mean that I have to like it.

Look at this face... how could he possibly be the blame for anything?

S.

We've graduated from breastfeeding school!

Went to the clinic yesterday to follow up with O's thrush and weight gain.

He's gained properly, thank god! Now we only have to offer him 1oz of formula and monitor his weight gain over the next few weeks and that's that. He might need a bit of supplementation for a long time, or he might not. Good times.

And the thrush?

He didn't have it. He has Epstein Pearls. Jesus. So he had a week of meds without needing them. Just great.

On another note... something very cool a friend told me: When you're changing your child, the smell of his poo does something to your system (whether you can actually smell it or not) and your body changes the milk to be more of what your child needs.

All my the smell of his poop!

Groovy.

I love how the body is a mystery.

Another mystery that I'd prefer remain a mystery?

Pi Day.

Happy Pi Day!

s.

Alot to catch up on but too tired. Went out ALL DAY with Oscar and we're both zonked.

Except I'd sleep for 10 hours and he'd only sleep for 3!

In a nutshell:

1. Have an appointment at Vancouver Breastfeeding Clinic tomorrow morning. They should help with the thrush issue. Phew. Update: Oscar was prescribed Diflucan too.


2. Oscar has lost a bit of weight due to bottle feeding for the 10 days that I had to pump one side due to the thrush and the blocked ducts. Pumping was not getting as much milk from the breast as if he had been breastfeeding from it, so he was basically getting less food. So he's one month old and only at his birth weight. I was HORRIFIED! But... Update: I'm still HORRIFIED that I didn't realize he was losing weight. Horrifed. Each day now I look him over to see if I can see anything. Any dehydration. Or, on the opposite side of the coin, any signs that he might be getting plumper. Just for a sign of anything. But I'm no doctor. I'm just a horrified first-time mother that didn't realize she was STARVING HER CHILD. Okay Okay, not really starving him... still, he's my first (and possibly only) and I feel horrendous that I didn't know he wasn't getting enough milk from the pumping.


3. We're supplementing with formula to get his weight up. That's the important thing right now, to make sure he gains weight. So we're supplementing for the next week until we see what he's gained at the next doctor's appointment. Jesus Christ. The poor little dude. So even though he's draining each breast at each feed, we still have to supplement to get that weight on, and get it on FAST. Update: Formula stinks. Seriously. It smells like metal. And tastes like metal. And makes baby poop stink. And runnier a bit. And green.


4. The good news about all this is that he has NO TROUBLE at all going from breast to bottle and back to breast. He's established at breastfeeding so there is no nipple confusion at all. He's the breastfeeding monster. Update: And now that the thrush (mine) is clearing up, I'm feeding from both sides and totally enjoying it again. I only have a few stabbing pains up my back and neck now. And not every time. I love it again! So happy I stuck it out.


5. Which is also why I was ok with using a pacifier after I didn't want to and rebelled against it. I had nightmares about nipple confusion... but when I researched more, I finally read the words "once breastfeeding is established..." and it dawned on me that he's great at it and so the pacifier has become my best friend when I have to have a shower or prepare lunch. Phew #2. Update: Just read the latest over at Wave The Stick. VERY funny.


6. Will have more info after visiting clinic tomorrow about the thrush.


7. Going to bed now.


8. Goodnight.

S.

That picture is a much prettier thrush than the one I've got going on. Well, the only site of it is in Oscar's mouth and it's not that bad, but still.....

So, just how long does it take to get rid of thrush anyways? I've been on the meds since Friday but my nipples are still on FIRE and the white spots are still all over Oscar's gums and tongue. They haven't lessened at all.

Here's the scoop on the medication:

I was told by the lactation consultant to put the Nystatin topical cream on nipples and areola before and after each feeding until symptoms clear (plus 2 more days).

I also have to give Oscar 1 ml of the liquid Nystatin four times a day after nursing (which he loves).

BUT, he's spit up globs of the Nystatin cream twice now and it's making me very nervous. Seriously, it comes up in a big GLOB. A big yellow glob.

The doctor's prescription noted to only apply the cream twice a day after a feeding, so that's what I'm going to do to avoid my little guy having it sitting in his stomach. It just can't be that good for him if it's sitting there in a pile until he throws it up.

I'm going to see a community nurse in the morning (and hopefully meet other new moms!) and will ask her what she thinks. I'm also going back to the lactation consultant on Thursday so I'll bring it up during our visit as well. After all, her directions for the remedy and application are on BC Women's Hospital letterhead, so they've got to be on to something, but I really would like to know why they recommend one method and my GP recommends another.

I want it to clear up, and soon but I don't want to see Oscar sick with the stuff.

Any suggestions?

In the meantime, Donald has just brought me back some cabbage to put in my bra to ease some of the soreness and burning. I shall report back.

S.

I've been having a horrendous time breastfeeding. Sore nipples galore. Like, horribly sore. Especially one side. But I was pushing through, somehow, until thismorning.

It was the 4am feed that pushed me over the edge.

Usually, the pain passes in a few minutes. Not this time. Oscar's little bottom lip just grazed my nipple and I screamed out in pain. And the tears started.

Mine, not Oscar's.

And didn't stop until I was on my way to the lactation specialist at BC Women's at 10:30.

It was just awful. I knew the latch was ok, in my heart I knew it. Everything was a go. He was set up well. He was latched well. So why the pain? And especially on the one breast? I mean, seering, seething pain that was so incredible it actually ran up my left arm and down my back.

That sort of pain.

Why can't I get this breastfeeding thing down? The latch seems ok, why can't I do it? Why can't I feed my son properly? I'm a bad mother. I suck. I'm a wimp. Everyone else does it, why can't I? Why the pain? What's wrong with me?

So that was it. I called my girlfriends for help. One of them recommended that I call the Lactation consultant at BC Women's and let them know about the pain and that I was ready to throw in the towel and hopefully they'd get me in to see them thismorning.

And they did.

And it was a success.

I have thrush.

Me and Oscar both have thrush.

I'm so grateful that it's something. That we can put our finger on it and treat it and I can continue to breastfeed.

I was *this* close to ending it all and turning to pumping & bottle feeding, that's how bad the pain was. And that's saying something as I was so looking forward to exclusive breastfeeding.

And I still can! I am feeding Oscar from the right breast only for now, pumping the left and feeding Oscar that milk through a bottle. Putting a topical cream (antifungal) on the right breast before feeding so he gets it too, and putting it on again (both breasts though) after feeding so I continue to get the medication. And, Oscar gets even more in liquid form after feeding via a q-tip soaked in it and rubbed all over his lips, gums, cheeks, tongue, basically all throughout his mouth.

And he's such a trooper that he doesn't mind. He doesn't mind the ointment on my nipple, the liquid in his mouth, he took to the bottle no problem and continues to enjoy the breast.

He's such a good boy. I'm blessed really. I can handle two weeks of this. My little guy is thriving and I will again too.

You have no idea how relieved I am that it's only a yeast infection and not the end of breastfeeding.

Phew.

One thing I do wish, however, is that the hospital would have let me know that the antibiotics I received during delivery may lead to thrush and what to look out for. That would have saved me alot of tears and terror over the last 24 hours.

S.

The little dude was up alot last night. He's one hungry monkey! So today will be trying to catch up on sleep while he naps, and while Donald is off buying a shelving unit for his room. We've got so much stuff and nowhere to put it. For example... where in the world do you store pacifiers you aren't planning on using but want to keep as a "just in case"? And same with the teether things that you stick in the freezer. You know, the plastic ones? I'm not comfy putting something plastic in my sons mouth (unless it's clearly marked BPA-free, phthalate-free, etc) (and not even then really), but want to hang on (to the BPA-free ones!) just in case a frozen washcloth doesn't do the trick. We're all about going with the flow and doing what's necessary to ensure Oscar is as healthy and as safe as possible.

We're simply trying to do our best as parents and make conscious decisions where our son is involved.

Personally, I think that's a good thing!

So we have all these little things..... all piling up in Oscar's room (in his crib actually. So where are we going to put them when we finally buy a mattress????)

Ikea rocks for storage solutions so off Daddy goes today.

Had to wear a bra to bed last night. Nipple is still really sore (only one really hurts. And when I say "hurts" I mean, "shoot me now".).

We have received a few baskets from my husband's colleagues that we have yet to open. And a few cute things from friends. No time for thank you cards yet - I haven't even had the time to brush my teeth yet today! - but we have everything piled up in YET ANOTHER corner of Oscar's room and will get to that when we get to it.

Off we go, one day at a time.

S.

BC Women's Hospital is officially "baby-friendly"!

Here's a brief synapsis of the World Health Organization's initiative for Baby Friendly designation.

I'm thrilled!

I had relaxed a bit after the last doctor's appointment and chatting with my OB about what I want and don't want for my baby at birth/following birth. She was right there with me. She didn't fight me on anything I wanted. It was a non-issue. She was supportive. And here I was panicking for months because other women had told me that hospitals are difficult to deal with and they/the nurses/the doctors might fight me when it comes to ie: eye ointment, breastfeeding, etc etc, but not at all! And now, knowing that BC Women's is officially designated as Baby-Friendly, I can completely relax in knowing I'll be supported in breastfeeding (among other things) during my stay at the hospital.

Phew.

3rd Trimester! Here we are. We've made it this far. Week 26. My god. Week 26!

(The cucumber pic is the only picture I could find that shows the relative size right now. Weird, I know.)

The little guy is still taking little breaths, even though it's amniotic fluid, it's still great practice for him. So he's a superhero to me now. I mean, did you ever try to breath liquid?

His little eyes are starting to open. HIS EYES ARE STARTING TO OPEN! He is in a growth spurt from here on out and his brain is developing at an intense rate - so nutrition is important right now. More grains and veggies! So much for the Ga Lei Bau and coconut bun (and caramel macchiato) I had for lunch. Hey, even mom has got to treat herself once in a while.

He might start jumping around more when he hears loud, unexpected noises because the nerve endings in his ears are still developing - so he responds to sound more consistently. And will from here on out. No pun intended (funnier when you say it outloud.) (or really not funny at all) (let me repost:) "....so he responds to sound more consistently. And will from here on out."

It's not even funny to me actually.

The placenta is equal in size to the little guy. Question - my placenta is in the front... if something happens that I have to have a c-section, will this be an issue?

And my belly button is now 1/2 and innie and 1/2 an outie. I'm having an identity crisis. My body is not my own. Weird things are happening. Werid spots showing up on my chest (that I thought was just sun damage - but it's getting worse and I'm covered up and not baking on the beach). No stretch marks though - still oiling up daily with the Escents aromatherapy stuff.

Rolling over at night is uncomfortable hilarious a production all on it's own. By the time I manage to get comfortable, I'm pretty much wide awake and have pissed off the cats and then Chicken starts to knaw on my foot and thinks it's Game On and "Oh yay, mummy's awake!" and Ling Ling just looks at me, turns her nose up and leaves the room.

At least I then have the bed to myself.

Until my husband rolls in around 3am, then it's a whole other production as I've got to get rid of my massive body pillow so he can have room too. ARGH.

***

The breastfeeding issue is no longer. Donald and I are on the same page and he's looking forward to all the other ways of bonding with the little guy. Circumsicion, on the other hand, is an ongoing issue - and I'm starting to rethink my decision based on what a few fathers have said, both circumsized and non-circumsized and who have circumsized their boys and some who haven't. It's been eye-opening, but it's not over yet! I still can't stand the thought of my child being cut. Of inducing trauma, knowingly. More research required...

And cloth diapers. Someone mentioned the other day that there is actually LESS diaper rash with disposables than with cloth because of the layering - that the pee is soaked into the diaper and away from baby's bum. Again, more research required. (It's not just about diaper rash, it's also about the environment but there you go.)

And another big one: vaccines. This is going to be difficult. Or perhaps not. I'm going to grab the Dr. Sears book and have a gander.

Also, your comments really help us to see through our fear of doing the wrong thing and our preconceptions, etc, so please continue to comment! Weigh in on the subjects - I love hearing from all of you. Makes me feel less alone in this journey. There's been a few lately that I have yet to respond to, but am going to in a few minutes, so feel free to browse through them for my replies.

Phew, this was a long one today.

S.

A question for the boys in regards to exclusively breastfeeding:

• Do you feel that you missed out on anything because you didn't have the opportunity to feed your baby?
• Did it take you longer to feel a bond with your child?
• Do you feel you missed out?
• Were you upset with your wife/partner for choosing to exclusively breastfeed?
• If yes, why?
• Did you feel left out of the equation?
• Or was there ample opportunity to bond?
• Did you take part in other apsects such as carrying, changing, bathing, napping, walking, playing, etc, with your child?
• Did you find this time with your baby helped with your bonding experience?
• Do you feel this was enough?

Ladies: please pose these questions to your husbands and let me know what they say in the comments. Or better yet, let the boys comment directly! I think my husband is really worried he'll not bond with the little guy easily if he doesn't feed him, and just wants to talk to or hear from other men who have been there. I figured this blog was a great place to start.

Thanks in advance!

s.

My boobs are growing again!

I could end this post right now and feel terrific, but think I'll stick around for a few more minutes.

Still doing research on cord blood storage. My gf's husband found another place in Canada that stores it and fired off the link to me but I have yet to peek at it, I've been too busy researching eye ointment and why it's a must in BC (so I've found so far. Anyone know any different? I don't have an STD, I've been tested as part of the investigations after the last miscarriage. Leave a comment! Not on STD's, on eye ointment!), Vitamin K shots (which I'm accepting more after researching), blood tests, the moments after birth at BC Women's (which I'm happily impressed with so far except when they say "breastfeeding shortly after birth". What's "shortly after" to them? I want skin-on-skin before the cord is cut! Is it long enough to reach, I wonder?. And if it is, that's kinda creepy....). Just checkin' out all the newborn tests and procedures.

Anyhoo, alot going through my mind. I've started my list of questions for my next appointment.

Watched, "What Babies Want" last night with Donald. Fantastic documentary. Really eye-opening. Especially for Donald, I'm hoping.

The little guy is really kicking up a storm. I'm thinking you might be able to even feel him kick from the outside soon. They're getting stronger. He's active first thing in the morning and (mostly) in the evening. Especially around 10:30pm - he's just rockin' in there! He usually starts kicking when I play Chopin. Which leads me to believe he loves it, like his mom!

(or hates it)

Later.

s.