Update!

Not only has Oscar discovered his hands... he's discovered his own face! He spied himself in a mirror two days ago when we were playing and having some tummy time and he was transfixed. It was hilarious! I had such a proud mom moment and then panicked. Totally panicked.

My little boy is growing up.

So today for our afternoon activity time we played in front of the mirror. Not only did he stare at himself, but he stared at me... he totally recognized me in the mirror! I wasn't sure if he would or not (my cats don't) (not that I'm comparing my child to one of my cats) (but I totally am), but he did and he smiled and giggled and laughed and it was delightful!

He's also discovered Chicken. Not the food, the cat:

When she comes over to say hello, he catches sight of her and totally follows her with his eyes. Ling Ling on the other hand, won't really come close yet.

On another note.... I had my 6-week post partum check up yesterday. I'm apparently all healed. There is a scar though where I tore (or was cut. I'm pretty sure I was cut as they knew I would tear. I must ask Donald if he remembers). I don't care about a scar down there at all. It's a non-issue.

Then she asked the magic question, "Next baby?"

"No next baby. No baby. Not another. Not ever. No way."

And I started to well up!

I made a joke and said that the amnesia hormones haven't hit me yet. But then came clean with her and said it was hell, recovery was a bitch, and I never want to go through that pain again. EVER. (I feel as though my body failed me a bit. I have always bounced back from everything, but the hell that was my recovery? Not so easy to bounce back from. It's not just the baby fat. It's not just the ugly belly (although my bellybutton is turning back into an innie). It's not just the shitty post-partum hair. It's not only the uncontrollable gas. It's not the incontinence. It's not the hemorrhoids or the stitches. It's not the weird shape of my post-baby body or being in that weird stage of not fitting into anything and somebody making the comment about how "that shirt is ok for wearing around the house...". It's all of it. But especially the physical pain of recovery. The first four weeks. Pure hell. Pure pain and discomfort. I really should have paid attention to my intuition when I said no visitors please... because it wasn't just going to be about bonding as a family - it was also soon to be about physical pain and recovery.) (I love the visitors we did have over and I'm very grateful that they were so close to us (like family) that I wasn't embarrassed to be witnessed in such pain and sitting on my hemorrhoid cushion!) So no, I don't ever want to go through that again. And the birth experience is still so new and fresh in my mind that I remember it all like it was yesterday. Again, so no, I never want to go through that physical pain again. (It's kind of like quitting smoking. It's so difficult and so hard. And so hard on those around you. And the headaches and withdrawal symptoms...why would one want to go back to smoking when it is pure hell to quit?)

So we got chatting. She mentioned that 2nd births are usually much easier and quicker and less complicated (and less interventions needed) than first timers. I said I don't care. She then made a great point that really resonated with me. That it would be sad if I made the decision not to have more babies based on my experience this time. Based on the pain of this birth. Based on fear of it happening that way again. And would I be interested in speaking with someone to help with the birth trauma so I could make a clearer decision about another baby, NOT based on this experience only.

I'm always one for healing. Always. I want to be as healed and as clear as I can be.

So yes, count me in.

So I'm going to be seeing someone at the reproductive mental health clinic to work through this trauma. I'm also going to be seeing someone to help clear it on an energetic level so it really will be cleaned up. So I'll be able to make a decision without wearing the lens of fear and pain that I'm seeing through right now.

And it all feels right and good. I'll keep you posted.

Truth be told, when I look at Oscar and he grins up at me, I completely forget the pain.

And then I remember.

And then he pukes on me.

And grins.

And I forget the pain again.

s.

(I am not running in this marathon, but I AM nearing the finish line!)

You know what's freaky?

I'm 38 weeks pregnant and there are no more updates coming from babycentre.ca or pregnancyweekly.com or whatever. Well, there ARE, but they're saying to "check the newborn section".

My God!

I've got a fully developed newborn just laying in wait. Lungs still have a bit to go but apparently they keep on developing well after he's here.

I've got a whole baby in there! About to come out!

Things are moving along "here on the outside". Some things I've noticed is that I'm peeing more and more (and more and more), waddling more and more and more and more and my boobs are growing more (only a little more, not more and more and more). I'm excited, and happy and feel so alive. Yes, I feel big and heavy at times, I still enjoy my naps and am getting the odd bout of heartburn, but I feel so healthy. So good!

Friends and family are always checking in as they know he could come anyday. It's great to get those phone calls and updates and comments on the blog. This little guy is so loved and welcomed already. Even the cats know he's almost here. Not only are they sleeping on me, they're pawing my face (gently) (and yes, it's bizarre), they're being very vocal when they're around me and they just won't leave me alone. It's delightful!

The diaper service arrived today. Very exciting! So I'm putting all of that away tonight and organizing everything. Crib is arriving on the 21st (yes, it's Stork Craft but don't know if it's a model that needs the new brackets. Will find out on 21st!), even though we hopefully won't need it for a few months - we're really wanting to use the Amby in our room, which we'll put together after we get home from hospital. We just hope he takes to it.

I'm doing a massive cleaning of the house - partly because it desperately needs it, partly because I won't have that much time for a while to get to it, and mostly because I don't want bunny dusts floating around with a newborn! I'm also going to pick up a book that has nothing to do with pregnancy or child birth or parenting! Maybe the next in the Narnia series - something to totally take me away. I am, however, keeping up with the Hypnobirthing cd that came with the book - both to recall the relaxation and breathing exercises for labor and delivery, and also because it's a great meditation! I enjoy her voice. (Update on the review... the book totally took a turn for the better and she was wonderful when talking about hospital deliveries and staff, etc.)

You know what else I'm really looking forward to?

Watching my husband become a father.

I've recently watched my best friend become a mother and it was amazing to witness. It's just awesome really. She's a gentle soul to begin with, but to see her with her month-old little guy just takes my breath away. I'm so happy for her and it's just so awesome to watch her make this transition.

So I'm really curious how I'll be. And I'm really really looking forward to seeing Donald make that transition. If there's even any transition to make. I mean one minute you're you, the next minute your someone's parent.

Someone's parent!

All for now.

s.

Boy oh boy can you tell I'm getting close.

I'm active and alert and have energy and don't really need to nap anymore.

But am I ever slow.

All around slow. Slow to do things, physically. My body is slower. I'm walking slower. That's partly to do with the actual physicality of a pregnant person, and partly because I'm completely taking my time. I'm enjoying every minute I have. Relishing in it. Not for any other reason than I know how drastically my life is about to change. (Well, I actually have no idea just how drastically, but I know it will be a drastic change!) I'm having longer conversations with my husband. I'm actually listening to him and paying attention to what he's saying! I'm enjoying phone conversations with friends. And even family! I'm not rushing to get out of bed in the morning (except if for some miraculous reason I didn't get up three times during the night to pee. Then I definitely rush to get out of bed, lol!), I'm taking my time, talking and cuddling with the cats, flipping on the morning news, looking at the spot where the amby is going and then sort of freaking out that any day now it will be put together and there will be a baby in it! EGADS!

Even though I'm enjoying my time and the time with my husband right now and the quiet, I'm totally excited for the birth of my son. I'm excited to meet him. To see this little guy who's been poking at me from the inside for all these months. Who started out as this:

and is now a person. A Whole. Friggin'. Person. A gorgeous being! Donald and I made a person! And we're about to meet him! It's just bizarre. Surreal.

Until he's here and it's not anymore. From the sur-real, to the so-real.

I was at a birthday party last night talking with some other women (three of us pregnant), and I said how much I am looking forward to the whole experience of childbirth. Even the labour! The ones who have not had children looked mortified. Which I understand completely because I was there not too long ago. But now? I'm totally excited for it! Anxious, yes, but excited more so.

It simply means that my little guy is that much closer to being here with us. It means he's on his way!

Loving these last few weeks.

And so I suppose we should probably take down the Christmas tree so we're not scrambling to do it with a newborn in the house....

All for now.

s.

Had my weekly doctor's appointment this afternoon. Went over our birth preferences with her; she said the list looked pretty good. We aren't asking for crazy stuff, just general preferences. First on the list is Safety First, and second is Help my husband in his efforts to help me. So that pretty much set the "low-maintenance" tone. I also said "please" and "we'd prefer" and "if possible", etc, throughout and ended it with a big thank you and that we are totally open to suggestions and coaching from the nurses and staff involved.

The Group B Strep swab came back negative, so no antibiotics for me. Dr. Monaghan (Dr. Rhone is back for my appt. next week) felt around my belly and said he's pretty average size and if he was born now she figures he'd be between 6 - 7 lbs. So that made me relax a bit! We talked about epidurals - I want to make sure I can do three things:

1. change my mind if I don't want one after all
2. still walk around and feel enough to know when to push (when it feels natural to)
3. up the dose if I choose!!!!!

It's a Yes to all three (although various dosage affects people differently), so I can let that one go now. I was so stuck on that, almost panicky actually. It's funny, some of the small things that drive you batty.

We've decided that we're going to pay for the Preferred Accomodations while we're there too. It's $150.00 but SO worth it. And it's covered by medical so we'll get that money back anyway. It eases my mind for a few reasons:

1. same room for labor, delivery and remainder of stay
2. same staff throughout stay. If there are 10 people that have to poke around my va-jay-jay for a few days, I'd rather it be the same 10 people, ya know?
3. so calm! Calm, easy, gentle energy up there in that wing.
4. bigger rooms. Donald and I would like everyone that wants to visit to come to the hospital instead of our home afterwards. These rooms are a great size, so there's lots of room for our huge family in there. We'd rather have our little guy at home, in his new home, getting to know us and not necessarily being passed around to alot of people in his first few weeks here. And we're private people (even though I'm broadcasting to the world!) and would prefer it to be just us three for a few weeks. Doesn't mean we don't love our friends and family, just means we're putting our own family first.

I weigh 153 (up 3 lbs from last week and 30 lbs gained overall). I think it's hilarious that I weight that much, but it's great that I didn't gain a crazy amount.

He's dropped much lower now. I'm not as short of breath as I've been throughout. AND the heartburn has eased up a bit. YAY! But wanna know something weird? I can feel his head way down there. And when he changes position or just moves or whatever he's doing in there, I can feel it. Way. Down. There. I can physically feel his head move.

F-R-E-A-K-Y.

But delightful.

The cats know something is up -that the time is getting nearer. They're BOTH sleeping with me at night now. And when I say, "with me", I mean, "on me". Chicken sleeps up on my arm/shoulder with her little face next to my ear and paw on my cheek, and Ling Ling sleeps between my legs and 1/2 on my belly/pelvis. She can't quite reach the top of the belly, unless I'm on my side totally and then she's on the belly with Chicken on the shoulder. It's the strangest thing. Anyone have pet & pregnancy stories to share? Leave a comment, I'd love to hear!

Welcome to Lisa, the newest follower. Lisa, you MUST blog about your dogs, you have the BEST! And you're such a great foster mom to the little ones (and big) you bring into your home. Even just a photo blog with your comments for the world to see and share in! Thanks for following!

That's it for tonight!

S.

Week 6, Day 3.

When do you stop counting the days, I wonder? After the first trimester? Whatevs....

So, weird dreams still, but they're always fun to recall and try to figure out what they are about. I'm a full believer in dreams leading you along your path, so I do pay attention. I also dream things that happen in the future, so that's kinda cool. Although I highly doubt I'll be living in Marge Simpson's blue jello hair in the Jetson's pad in outer space... but you never know.

Nanu Nanu.

Last night, very quickly, I dreamt that I made a purchase and the clerk gave me too much money back. 100.00 back actually. 100.00 too much. I hesitated for a moment wondering if I should say anything. I stopped to turn back to go to the store again but decided against it. I thought, "hey, if the universe wants to reward me with money, so be it!" and I walked away. But 1 block down the road I was consumed with guilt, because it's just not who I am. So I went to turn around and go back to return the money and I woke up.

Fast forward to 12 noon today. I'm at a store, buying razor blades when I'm over-charged. "The sticker says $10.99" I say to her. So she dashes over to the razor blade section and comes back and instead of taking $0.50 off the price, she takes off $10.00. I totally did not say anything, but then a few seconds later I couldn't do it. It's just not who I am. "Um, I think it should be much more than that actually, I think you discounted too much."

"Oh no", she says, "if we mess up, you get 10.00 off.

YAY!

Karma, gotta love it.

In this case, anyways.

So, the symptoms are changing a bit. I'm not nauseous over the past few days, so that's friggin' GREAT. So happy about that!

I got rather emotional out of the blue yesterday morning. Was totally bawling over something very very small. Felt good, but unnecessary. Here we go, I suppose.

And I have swollen ankles.

OK OK, no I don't. That doesn't happen till the end I don't think. What's happening, is that I had a coffee date earlier thismorning and wore heels for the first time in a while and that's what happened. Sore feet. Not because of the pregnancy, because I'm not used to wearing business clothes that often now that I work from home.

Such a drama queen.

Last night I'm walking downstairs and I say to the cats, "You know, I'd feel much better if I could poop." Only to realize that our tenant could here me through the vent. That's the only place where we can hear a bit of each other, and that's what he heard me say. FRACK. (Frack, in case you're not aware, is the Battlestar Galactica word for f***. I don't want to put the eff-word on here, even though I use it alot, because I'm thinking of putting ads up and I don't want them to be x-rated.) He doesn't know we're pregnant, only you know, so it's rather embarrassing.

Although for some reason I'm not embarrassed telling you that I can't poop.

All for now.
s.