Until further notice....

Oscar rolled over!

He was playing in his gymini on May 6 for some tummy time and I was marvelling at how strong he is and how far he could push himself up and how high his head was off the ground and all of a sudden he looked up at me and rolled over.

Or fell.

Either way...

The next day, yesterday, I put him in his crib after a diaper change so I could go wash my hands. I laid him flat on his back and ducked out of the room. When I peaked in, he was laying on his left side! He had rolled over on his own.

It's a whole new ball game now.

He's able to travel!

Only around his crib.

But still.....

Language. It's a funny thing.

In my household, we know 3 and are about to know 4.

1. English
2. Cantonese
3. French
4. Sign language (going to learn for/with Oscar)

But that's not the type of language I'm talking about. I'm talking languaging. How you say things. What you say. The power behind the words you choose.

I've got to watch mine. My languaging. I've got to be really present and conscious. I've got a little one to consider. I want to be as clear and clean as I can be with my languaging while in his presence. Because I don't ever want him to think that something that is going on with me is his fault. Or is because of him. I'm sure that there will be tonnes that is, lol, but I'm specifically talking about two things that are going on with me right now.

1. not sure about more babies
2. my shitty self-image

#1: We're all in the know that I'm not sure about more babies. But it's VERY IMPORTANT to me that Oscar never ever ever ever thinks that it's because he was a bad kid, or a rotten baby, or difficult, or cranky, or it was an awful birth experience, or that he was unloved. Because it's none of those (especially the last two). It's simply because I'm afraid that I won't be as lucky the second time around. And then even THAT could lead him to believe it's his "fault", you know? So that's where I'm at with that.

#2: We're all in the know that I'm not happy with the way I look right now.

And it's more than just bad hair.

It's low self-image from the inside. It's bad body-image. I've never looked like this. I've got EXTRA SKIN. Ewwwww. I've got a dull, patchy complexion. I've got DIMPLES ON MY ASS. I've got a weird-lookin' belly button. I've got, yes, bad hair. And don't even get me started on my vagina. (Why the f*ck didn't anyone tell me just what happens with one's vagina after birth? WHY??????) And yes, I know, I had a baby 3 months ago, give it time and I'll lose the baby fat. I know all that.

But I'm still allowed not to like it.

And it has nothing to do with Oscar.

It just has everything to do with the fact that I've looked good my whole adult life, and now I don't. And I don't like it. And I'm not comfortable with it. I don't know how to be this size. I don't know how not to fit into clothes. I don't know how to be this size/shape/way. I know that I'll get back to normal. But right now I'm not, and I can't stand it. I look at recent pictures of myself and I just delete them. All of them. I'm just a hot mess.

I don't blame anything for it. It's just the way it is.

And I'm allowed not to like it. I'm allowed to not be comfortable with the way I look right now.

And so saying all of that, I have to make sure I watch the languaging around Oscar. Again, I would just be devastated if he ever ever ever thought that it was because of him. That my unhappiness with my body-image was even remotely because of him. I mean, I was up to 123lbs before getting pregnant and I was upset about it then... and there was nobody to blame but myself. At least with this weight and EXTRA SKIN, there's a reason for it... a natural reason... a beautiful reason. And it's supposed to be like this. As far as I'm concerned, there's a reason it takes so much time to get rid of it... it means I'm busy taking care of my son; too busy to worry about hitting the gym to work it off (who can get to a gym 4 or 5 times a week when exclusively breastfeeding and unwilling to use the on-site daycare?).

And yet it still doesn't mean that I have to like it.

Look at this face... how could he possibly be the blame for anything?

S.

PS: Anyone still bleeding 3 months after giving birth?

I'm still having daily discharge of sorts, but thismorning I woke up to bright red. Not a whole lot, but enough to make me go "hmmmm....". (Update: FYI: I'm breastfeeding so it can't be my period... can it?)

Please leave a comment with your experience or knowledge!

(PPS: It just dawned on me that this blog is a mommy group of sorts! Maybe I AM a mommy-group mom afterall, lol!)

Thanks.

Change.

In case you didn't notice, I'm not good with change. (Actually, I'm great with change, as long as it doesn't affect me....)

I mean come on, did you really think I'm that much of a bitch?

But change is coming here at Pregnant Stephanie. We're moving, we're changing, we're growing. It's not going to happen over night (phew! I need at least a few weeks to panic!), but it's going to happen.

I'm a mom. But that doesn't mean that I'm your type of mom. I'm not a mom's mom. I'm not a mommies group mom. I'm just me.

Stephanie.

Oscar's mom.

Flying by the seat of my pants.

And having a blast doing it.

So if you want to come along to our new abode, send me a tweet and I'll keep you in the loop.

All for now... it's family day so me and mine are going out on the town!

I am SO not a Mommy Group person. Not at all. Not whatsoever.

I'll make idle chit chat with you during the program/group/session, but I won't go to coffee afterwards. Just not me.

Talk about uncomfortable. They're super-nice gals, truly. Just not my cup of tea. One gal (who sounded like she was about to crack) kept popping over to the side of the table where I was, putting her hands on her knees, bending down to me and saying, "How are you? Are you doing alright? How's it going?" I'm thinking, Fuck lady... I'm just feeding my son and having a latte. Chill the fuck out. (And I'm about 10 years her elder as well.) I know she was just being nice and welcoming and making the rounds. I know that. But people are still allowed to get on one's nerves, and this particular person at this particular moment in time, did just that. (Hindsight's 20/20, but I'm thinking she is a kindergarden teacher or something....)

So then it was off to walk back to the rec centre to weigh the little guy. I stayed at the coffee shop to grab one to go, so I got to walk back alone with Oscar. In the sunshine. In the fresh air. With the sidewalk to myself instead of trying to share with 8 other women and strollers (and carry on conversations). All the while, God must have been chuckling, because as luck karma would have it, I got back to the rec centre with chai tea latte ALL OVER ME.

And then, as luck karma would have it, I put Oscar on the scale and he PEED ALL OVER ME, and he PEED ALL OVER THE BLANKETS, and he PEED ALL OVER THE VOLUNTEERS. It was hilarious!

Hurricane Oscar strikes again.

So maybe I'll try the coffee shop one more time after all....

We're hitting the Mommy & Me session at the rec centre thismorning for something to do. I wish they served tea and cookies, but anyway....

They have it every Wednesday. I don't usually go (went once when Oscar was 4 weeks old) as the topics are not really in line with where he is right now, developmentally, etc, but thismorning's topic is TBA. When I called the Public Health unit to see if they have one yet, she said it's an open forum.

I was so excited! That's where you learn the most - when other moms are asking questions and talking about their own experiences! I'm really looking forward to it. I'm sure there will be a few questions about the Swine Flu as well (like, should we be stocking up on diapers and water, lol!) (ok, I was getting a little Art Bell Conspiracy Theory there...). All in all, I'm looking forward to it. To meeting other mom's as well. Not that I'm looking for new friends (I already have two), but it's nice to chat with these ladies and get to know them as I see some of them on Wednesday afternoons when I go to the weigh-in. And they all have kids older than me (well they did four weeks ago...) (ok, and they still do, but there are also new mom's with the most darling newborns!) so they know more than me and I can learn alot. And not feel like a retard or a bad mom for poking my son in the eye twice.

During the same diaper change.

Because they've all done that too.

Hopefully I'll meet a mom who's poked her son in the eye three times so I'll feel better about myself.

S.

How could I have not posted since Tuesday? I swear, it was yesterday that I wrote about crystals in his diaper.

I hear him waking up for his last feed of the night. Either that, or one of the cats has his rattle.

Have a bunch of drafts written, will peek through them this weekend and get something up soon!

Something I've been noticing since Oscar got his first shot is little tiny crystals when he pees. They're like little tiny bits of clear jello. He's not in any pain when he urinates, he doesn't seem to be in any sort of pain or discomfort at all, ever. No fever. Nothing.

Just these little clear jello-like crystals.

He's 2.5 months old... what's going on?

Anyone else experience this with little boys?

I'm in the top 100 pregnancy blogs!

Although sometimes I think I should be under the ADHD or Mental Health sections....

S.

Reason #1 for not wanting another child....

I don't want to push my luck.

I'm hearing SO much about babies being born prematurely (severely), with serious problems, or dying just before or just after birth. This is going on all around me. It's both totally freaking me out and also making me grateful that Oscar is so healthy.

I'm hearing SO much about complications during pregnancy. This, too, is going on all around me. My pregnancy was amazing. It was beautiful. It was easy. It was enjoyable. It was the best time of my life (until the little dude was born that is!). BUT... my previous two pregnancies were not so amazing as they both ended in miscarriages.

I'm hearing SO much about fussy babies. Crying babies. Babies that don't sleep. And again, this is going on all around me. Oscar? He totally rocks. He's not fussy. He's doesn't cry (that much). He sleeps no problem (except for the late afternoon nap and the first evening nap. He doesn't like those). He's all smiles and giggles and joy. Even when he cries, he stops and smiles when he sees me. He's he love of my life. Would I be so in love if he cried all the time? Would I be so in love if he fussed constantly? Would I be so in love if he was up every two hours at night? Or just didn't sleep?

Yes.

But I bet I'd be frustrated and cranky.

S.

Oh yeah, and I never want to go through the recovery I went through EVER AGAIN.

Yet another milestone!

I can't get over how quickly they grow and change and develop.

Oscar is playing by himself now. And when I say "play" I mean he's amusing himself in that sometimes when he wakes up, he's happy just to lay there and look around and coo and caw and stare at his hands. He's so friggin' well adjusted.

I'm learning so much from him already.

S.

A few things that have been happening:

1. Oscar loves to lay between us. Sometimes in the mornings when he's ready to get up but we're not, one of us will put him in the bed between us. He's happy as a clam, smiling, giggling, waving his arms and legs (ok, so part of the arms and legs waving around is still involuntary... but I'm SURE that part of it is also pure joy!). We have such a great time with him! It's a wonderful way to wake up, with this beautiful little creature giggling and cooing and smiling and just loving for no reason other than to love.... really, it's magical. We ARE a bit nervous that we may be creating a problem down the road, with a little boy that wants to crawl into bed with us constantly, but I look at it this way: he won't be doing it forever. Am I creating a monster here? Comments?


2. Yesterday he grabbed onto a toy... on purpose! He realized for the first time (or maybe it's just the first time I've noticed) that his hand is attached to him and if he hits at something... it moves! And sometimes it even makes a noise (other than his mother screaming and jumping for joy)! I put him down in his gymini for the first time in a few days and if he didn't focus on one of the hanging toys right away and start swiping at it! I couldn't believe it. Things are changing THAT FAST! He's growing and learning and developing THAT FAST! A friend of mine wrote me a note saying, "someday soon you will lose that wonderful infant yummy closeness... just revel in it as that is the true love of motherhood..." So you know what? I'm revelling in it.


3. Today I noticed something white protruding from his upper gums. Just like a little tiny round thing. He's only 9 weeks. It can't be a tooth pushing through. Can it? Is it more of the Epstein Pearls, only this time not on the top of his gums, but on the part where your teeth go? Epstein Pearls are supposed to disappear 1-2 weeks after birth. Oscar is 2 months along now.... And what are milk buds? Anyone have experience with this stuff?


4. In his 6th week he strung together his giggles to make a laugh. It was awesome! He was actually laughing! It only lasted for about 2 seconds... but Oscar laughed! He found me funny (or funny looking....)!

Just wanted to get some things down in writing before I forgot. There's not enough room in his baby book for all of this stuff!

Thank god for blogger.

Three important milestones today.

1. Oscar slept through the night last night!

He has in the past (like when he was brand spankin' new and very lethargic from the IV) (and again when we had the Thrush), but this time it was different. It was a milestone. It wasn't nerve wracking (at 5 weeks it's kind of scary) at 9 weeks. Well, then again, when I woke up at 6:30 I was all confused. I was wondering why I woke up on my own and not to a fussing baby. I couldn't remember if I had fed him during the night. When I realized I hadn't, total panic set in and I rolled over and put my hand on his chest to see if he was breathing! (The thought of SIDS terrifies me.) When I got a good look at him, I had to laugh. He was EXACTLY as I had put him down at midnight. Hadn't moved an inch I don't think. usually he manages to get out of the swaddle and has blankets and swaddles all askew and he's sideways in his bassinet. But there he was, asleep, a little angel, exactly as he had drifted off. He must have sensed me staring at him because he immediately woke up RAVENOUS and it was on!

2. Oscar was a total trooper when he got his shot today.

We got the 6-in-1 and will go back each month now for the PCV 7 and Men-C and then the boosters up until 6 months, and then continue (again, only one each visit) with the rest of the schedule. I can breathe a sigh of relief. God, I SO worry over things that don't exist/haven't happened yet. What the hell has happened to me? I never used to be this high strung. And it's been since WAY before Oscar came along. I hate being so off-guard. That's how it feels sometimes. But I digress... I'm just so proud of my little guy for being such a trooper today.

3. I had a great hair day.

Trust me, this is a milestone. Remember, I'm not doing well on the self-esteem or body-image scale these days, so I'll take any small amount of outside validation that comes my way. And this one I believed because it wasn't a friend (because they HAVE to tell you you are gorgeous and look fantastic), this was a gal at the McDonald's drive through window (HAD to get a sundae!!).

So there you have it. A great day. Two important milestones, one... not so much. An all around good day!

S.

Tomorrow Oscar has a playdate with Darwin.

I'm nervous.

Not because our children will be playing together (as much as an 8-week old plays, lol!), but because it will be the first day I will not be wearing maternity pants. I am going maternity-waistline-less for the first time since August, 2008.

I'm in that awkward stage where I've got about 10 lbs to go. My mat clothes don't fit. My normal clothes don't fit. I have low self-esteem and horrendously low body image right now.

I have a flabby belly and dimples on my ass.

For the first time in my life.

And I find it quite disgusting.

Worth it:

But still disgusting. I loved my body before pregnancy. I loved it EVEN MORE during pregnancy. But after?

Not so much.

I just want to fit into a size two four again.

I'd even take a six for a little while.

As much as I love yoga, it does nothing for the waistline. And I'm not into Bikram's. I'd die.

And my stroller is not made for speed walking - poor Oscar, it'd feel like he was on an amusement park ride!

I know it's only been 8 weeks, but God, I just want my body back. (Except the boobs... I'll keep these ones thank you!!)

s.

I'm just reading The Vaccine Book as we're scheduled for Oscar's shots on April 9.

We're definitely vaccinating the little dude, but the aluminum talk scares me. So much stuff in such a little person's system all at once!

I'm going to call Burnaby Public Health tomorrow to chat with someone about what brand of vaccine they use (not that I know anything about that but can research more with that particular info), and what levels of aluminum re in them and if I really have to worry here in Canada.

Basically, I'm just going to ask a lot of questions and probably call them a few dozen times.

Talk to me... anyone here in Vancouver/Burnaby staggered the vaccinations of their little ones, and why?

This is Picachu the Sea Turtle. He's my little friend.

Hey...how did he get there? Picachu the Sea Turtle kind of startled me!

Sometimes I forget Picachu exists, even when I'm holding onto him.

Oh My God! I'm holding him! Picachu the Sea Turtle is in my hand!

In case you couldn't tell, just a few minutes ago, Oscar learned how to hold something in his hand. On purpose even!


We were having some activity time and I put Picachu in his hand to see what he'd do. He closed his little fingers around him, threw his arm up in the air, and then followed it with his eyes! He knew what was going on!

YAY! Oscar learned how to hold onto something!

Next up? Times table.

We're off to the rec centre today to weigh Oscar again. He's gaining, he's healthy, all is good, just want to tap off this whole gong show with a final weigh in on the same scale for consistency.


Grampi and Nanny are in town visiting him so we're hitting the mall afterwards instead of sludging around Gastown and Robson in the rain.


So... last Wednesday when I went to weigh the little dude, The Warden was there. Interesting to watch the dynamics play out around her.





See, when she came for her visit with us when we brought Oscar home, she was a bully. She walked in with attitude (you could actually see it in her aura when she was pulling up the street!). I call it Power Over, Donald calls it Justifying her Job.


Either way, she was a bully. She was using fear to communicate with us.


It sucked.


For a new mother just home from the hospital with her baby, not getting sleep and not feeling well (by now you know O's birth story and my shitty recovery), it was overwhelming enough just breathing, let alone have this monster show up at your door.


Because I'm in a bit of a cranky mood right now, I could call her a b.i.t.c.h, but I won't. I'll stick with the Bully and Power Over dynamic. Because that's all it boils down to.


Anyway, to make a long story longer... walking into the rec centre last week was an interesting time.


She was sitting there with her folders and clip board, all alone in the corner. Interesting for sure.


After I took Oscar off the scale I wanted to chat with one of the nurses about his gain and chart it. Of course, as the universe is comical, I was assigned her, the Warden.


She had the nerve to motion "two minutes".


For what? She wasn't with another client. There was nobody waiting for her. She was sitting alone in the corner with her folders and clip board doing nothing. And yet she made me wait for two minutes.


I thought it was kind of funny then. I mean, I was in no rush at all, I had all afternoon. So I plopped down beside her and started to feed Oscar. After her two minutes were up, she turned to me and I SO WANTED TO ASK HER TO WAIT FOR A FEW MINUTES, but really, what was the point?


She wasn't such a bully this time. Surrounded by moms and babies who are now knowing more of what they are doing and are now more confident in their rolls as mothers, she had no power.


She knows babies in general, on paper only.


Moms know their babies.


Yes, it was very interesting.


I don't like people like that. Bullies. I have a few in my life that I've tried unsuccessfully for years to get rid of. Must mean I have more to learn from them I suppose....


Sigh.


S.

Update!

Not only has Oscar discovered his hands... he's discovered his own face! He spied himself in a mirror two days ago when we were playing and having some tummy time and he was transfixed. It was hilarious! I had such a proud mom moment and then panicked. Totally panicked.

My little boy is growing up.

So today for our afternoon activity time we played in front of the mirror. Not only did he stare at himself, but he stared at me... he totally recognized me in the mirror! I wasn't sure if he would or not (my cats don't) (not that I'm comparing my child to one of my cats) (but I totally am), but he did and he smiled and giggled and laughed and it was delightful!

He's also discovered Chicken. Not the food, the cat:

When she comes over to say hello, he catches sight of her and totally follows her with his eyes. Ling Ling on the other hand, won't really come close yet.

On another note.... I had my 6-week post partum check up yesterday. I'm apparently all healed. There is a scar though where I tore (or was cut. I'm pretty sure I was cut as they knew I would tear. I must ask Donald if he remembers). I don't care about a scar down there at all. It's a non-issue.

Then she asked the magic question, "Next baby?"

"No next baby. No baby. Not another. Not ever. No way."

And I started to well up!

I made a joke and said that the amnesia hormones haven't hit me yet. But then came clean with her and said it was hell, recovery was a bitch, and I never want to go through that pain again. EVER. (I feel as though my body failed me a bit. I have always bounced back from everything, but the hell that was my recovery? Not so easy to bounce back from. It's not just the baby fat. It's not just the ugly belly (although my bellybutton is turning back into an innie). It's not just the shitty post-partum hair. It's not only the uncontrollable gas. It's not the incontinence. It's not the hemorrhoids or the stitches. It's not the weird shape of my post-baby body or being in that weird stage of not fitting into anything and somebody making the comment about how "that shirt is ok for wearing around the house...". It's all of it. But especially the physical pain of recovery. The first four weeks. Pure hell. Pure pain and discomfort. I really should have paid attention to my intuition when I said no visitors please... because it wasn't just going to be about bonding as a family - it was also soon to be about physical pain and recovery.) (I love the visitors we did have over and I'm very grateful that they were so close to us (like family) that I wasn't embarrassed to be witnessed in such pain and sitting on my hemorrhoid cushion!) So no, I don't ever want to go through that again. And the birth experience is still so new and fresh in my mind that I remember it all like it was yesterday. Again, so no, I never want to go through that physical pain again. (It's kind of like quitting smoking. It's so difficult and so hard. And so hard on those around you. And the headaches and withdrawal symptoms...why would one want to go back to smoking when it is pure hell to quit?)

So we got chatting. She mentioned that 2nd births are usually much easier and quicker and less complicated (and less interventions needed) than first timers. I said I don't care. She then made a great point that really resonated with me. That it would be sad if I made the decision not to have more babies based on my experience this time. Based on the pain of this birth. Based on fear of it happening that way again. And would I be interested in speaking with someone to help with the birth trauma so I could make a clearer decision about another baby, NOT based on this experience only.

I'm always one for healing. Always. I want to be as healed and as clear as I can be.

So yes, count me in.

So I'm going to be seeing someone at the reproductive mental health clinic to work through this trauma. I'm also going to be seeing someone to help clear it on an energetic level so it really will be cleaned up. So I'll be able to make a decision without wearing the lens of fear and pain that I'm seeing through right now.

And it all feels right and good. I'll keep you posted.

Truth be told, when I look at Oscar and he grins up at me, I completely forget the pain.

And then I remember.

And then he pukes on me.

And grins.

And I forget the pain again.

s.

Oscar has discovered his hands!

And I don't mean by mistake when one lands in his mouth... I mean I caught him holding it in front of his face and staring at it.

At least, I think he was staring at it... one of his eyes is still crisscrossy so he might have actually been looking at me. Or past me. Or at a piece of lint. Or at nothing.

But it LOOKED like he was staring at his hand....

s.