Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Saw @haribhajan post a link about letting go of the past on Twitter yesterday and it got me thinking. Really, really thinking.

I threw out all my stuffed animals from when I was little.

Not too long ago either.

I've recently searched high and low throughout my house for that magical box of childhood friends. But it's gone.

Did I really donate them? Did I really bundle up the box and drive them out of my life? Didn't I even save ONE? The little mouse that my grandmother gave me? The little yellow dog that my mother's friend gave me? The monkey with the button eyes?

I was so upset to realize that I had gotten rid of them. Only to remember why, just thismorning.

I wanted to create my own traditions. My own history. Starting now. Starting right now, with this little guy growing inside me. I want him to have his own memories. His own toys. His own little stuffed friends. His own gift from his own grandmother.

Not mine.

Those were my friends when I was little. They were my only company somedays, and my only friends most days. They served me well 30 years ago when I needed them. They don't serve me anymore. Perhaps they'll be a great friend to a young person somewhere else now. And that gives me comfort.

I've wanted to have a clean slate for a long long time. Moving 4000 miles away from my hometown started that process. Letting go of friendships that didn't serve me anymore - whether flesh & blood, or stuffed with foam - took me a long way towards that goal. Getting married and buying a house helped it along tenfold.

And this pregnancy is a magical piece of it.

I get to meet this little guy who doesn't know my history. Who has no judgement. Who loves me just for being me. For being his mom.

Now that's a clean slate. That's letting go of the past.

That's an opportunity that will never come along again.


1 comment:

alix said...


There is something so profoundly loving and radically correct in what may look like a small thing on the surface - getting rid of some toys. This is not a small thing. You are communicating your desire to let your son be his own person. Amazing!

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