I've been having the weirdest dreams.

When I manage to sleep, that is.

They're like the first trimester dreams, only more about me and my personal safety. They're horrible. I know they are showing me my anxiety about labour and delivery, and I'm not taking them literally, but my God they're horrendous.

Dreaming of relatives dying (that are pregnant), dreaming of people trying to kill me, dreaming of people succeeding in killing me... which I've dreamt my whole life. Weird hey? I've seen myself die in my dreams numerous times and in numerous ways. Stabbings, suffocating, drowning (which seemed the most peaceful) and shot to death. But here I am, still kickin'!

And here I am at almost 32 weeks:

(and that's my darling Ling Ling strolling by).

All for now.

s.

27 weeks along!

A bit about mom:

I'm tired. So very very tired. Not just sleepy, but tired. Need a nap in the afternoon (need more than want), then I'm up until after midnight (which is great actually, I get to spend time with my husband. He's a night owl.). I wake up again around 4 or 5am for a bit, then back to sleep until about 8. It's odd. I'm finding that I tire easily, just walking even. Going into Costco yesterday (you know, they have NO baby stuff at all. Except diapers.), I had to keep yelling out to Donald to wait up. I was trailing behind at a snails pace. This totally crept up on me over the past week or so. I need to take my time.

And I'm surprisingly ok with that.

I've popped again over the past 4 days or so. All of a sudden, the belly is much bigger.

Lovin' it. Will have to get some more pics up soon. Wait... maybe I'll set up the camera now....

Decided my coat-sweater thing isn't going to cut it, and am going to spend the money on a maternity winter coat/jacket. It's just getting too cold, and Donald and I love to grab a coffee and stroll Robson later in the evenings, so I don't want to give that up. Even though it may take me an hour to get from one block to the next!

My feet are doing weird things. I'm not really gaining that much weight, and am only swollen once in a while, but my shoes don't really fit. I've heard that the bones in your feet kind of spread out or something to help distribute weight (does this happen when people just gain alot of weight too, not necessarily just pregnant women?). Anyhoo, I am now shopping for the winter coat AND comfy shoes to wear with jeans. I won't be dressing up for any cocktail parties (sigh, I SO miss heels) this Christmas, so casual shoes it is.

And the baby?

He's rockin' and rollin' in there. I had a doctor appointment yesterday so asked her exactly how he was laid out in there, because there's something sticking out by my belly button (WHAT BELLY BUTTON?) in the morning when he (and me) is waking up and I don't know if it's his head, his bum, or a REALLY REALLY big foot.

Turns out it's his bum. His little bum! He's head down, diagonal right now.

He weighs about 2 lbs and is 15 inches long from head to toe. That's friggin' big. I know I always sound so amazed... it's because I AM. Wild times for the Lee family these days.

Apparently this week, or next, is the actual week his little eyes will start to open and close. And he'll start to dream too! Must tell him great stories before bedtime. No ghost stories this halloween!

Best news I've received this week?

I can eat sushi while breastfeeding!

SUSHI! That totally made my day! Tojo's here I come. That's going to be my first meal. I'm so happy I can eat sushi while breastfeeding. So, so happy.

Here's the 27 week belly shot (I've got to learn how to use my camera so i don't have 7 chins each time I snap!)

S.

A couple quick things that are going on these days:

My boobs are gorgeous. They're just gorgeous. I can't get over them. I've never known a size other than 34A and now that I'm in the B's I can't stop looking at them. Veins and all. I wore a shirt out and about yesterday (ok, so I wore more than a shirt) and when I was checking myself in the car mirror before dashing into a store, I realized for the first time in my life I HAVE CLEAVAGE! I was so excited that I let out a little hollar of joy, but it was kinda sad also because I had nobody there to hug.

And at yoga last night (with my favourite yoga teacher EVER), when we put one hand over the heart, and the other hand over the belly, I had to re-route the heart-hand as I couldn't just slap in on my chest like I used to. I had to kinda nestle it in there. I laughed to myself - actually I think I chuckled outloud - again, in sheer joy.

Seriously, the boob thing? It's huge for me. No pun intented.

Another thing I noticed, just last night. The D-Man and I were settled in on the couch watching Criminal Minds (the best season premiere of anything so far. BUT, it IS Thursday so I've got ER and Grey's to review yet.) (And I'll tape The Office.) (Anyway, where was I?????)

Oh yes, so Donald and I were sitting on the couch and I went to reach for my laptop, only to realize that I can no longer just bend up to get something. Bending down is a no-go as well. I have to kinda shimmy to one side and either push myself up, or shimmy to one side, hang on to something, and bend down. It's hilarious.

***

My little niece, Asia, is coming home from the hospital tonight (2 months premature), so I'm off to buy her something delightful.

Later.

s.

My belly is officially big enough that food sits on it.

I had a ginger molasses cookie just now and looked down and realized my belly is totally covered in sugar and a couple of pretty big cookie crumbs.

I seem to have popped again.

Belly Shot. 19 weeks, 2 days.

I love the whole "it is what it is" concept, because really, it's just that.

It is what it is.

It's nothing other than what it is.

Do you see the vastness in that? Feel it? It's kinda cool. And really freeing. Ahhh, I love those moments when I realize just how small I am in the big picture.

Just how much bigger than me the universe is.

Take my belly for instance.

First, nobody believed I was showing as early as I was.

And now, nobody can believe I'm "as big" as I am for so early on.

I just thought I was normal for 16 weeks (and today, 4 days). Some people are bigger, some are smaller, I know that, but I just figured I was average.

And then in a matter of FIVE SECONDS today, this conversation happened while shopping:

Me, to clerk: Is everything in this store maternity, or do you also have non-maternity?

Clerk: It's all maternity. And then, Are you pregnant?

Me: Yes. I'm not fat. I'm pregnant, bitch. (ok, so there was no Bitch part.) (Ok, there WAS but it was in my head.) (Just for that remark I shopped for 35 minutes after closing and had her running from one end of the store to the other.)

And then the gal that was in the dressing room beside me says, "I can't believe she asked you that. If that was a few months ago, I would have clocked her!" And, "How far along are you?"

Me: Four months.

Girl: Me too. I'm 17 weeks. What are you?

Me: 16.

We both look at each other bellies and laughed our heads off. She's alot smaller than me. Like, I would have to really wonder if she was pregnant. I mean, you could tell, but it didn't look big enough that you'd have the balls to ask her. Like at the 10/11 week range, when you've got that spare tire happening and want to tell people that you're pregnant, not getting fat, and people are totally looking at you and wondering if you're pregnant or just putting on a couple of pounds.

Anyway, we had a scream in the store. At one point she walked into my dressing room by mistake and ended up buying 3 of the tops that I had in there but didn't like. So I went routing in her dressing room. It was hilarious.

What wasn't hilarious, however, was the amount of money I spent. I only went in for a pair of yoga pants ($24.95) and spent $144.00. But got such cute things!

Anyway, I'm way off track here. The point of all this rambling is "it is what it is."

There's no rhyme nor reason to pregancy and how you grow and develop. No two are the same. It just is what it is. I was angry when people didn't believe that I was showing early. I mean, I was really angry (why I just didn't take a picture and stick it on the blog, or email it to them, I don't know). "Oh, you can't be", they said. "That's impossible". (The "thinkers" of the world. The linear minds.)

It was such a waste of energy, to try to defend my pregnant self from their judgement. Who cares if they don't believe me. Who cares. My body is showing me something else. The universe is unveiling a mystery to me. And that mystery is, "It is what it is. No matter what you try to do about it, no matter how much you think about it and try to figure it out, it simply Is What it Is."

My boobs are another great example. I quickly dashed into a store for a new bra today, because I have totally outgrown mine (YIPPEEEEEE!!!!). I asked her to measure me and she told me I was a xxA.

"Uh, no, that's my normal size and I'm totally busting out and bulging over".

"Well, that's what the measurement said."

"Ok, let's do this. Find me one in my size and find me one in X size and Y size."

Well, turns out I'm size Y. No matter what the measuring tape said (thinkers), the body know better (feelers).

Cleavage doesn't lie.

As my friend Alix would say, "Some things are meant to remain a mystery." And she's right. Personally, I wouldn't want to know everything. Life wouldn't be nearly as exciting.

So I'll take my 16 week, 4 day belly, and I'll be happy with the size of it and the shape of it, knowing that it's me, it is what it is, and that the universe has bigger things working for me than the size of my belly.

S.

I dreamt last night that we had a boy! This is the 2nd dream about our baby, and the 2nd time he was a boy. And, I've got to say, he is SO cute. Phew! Happy it's a cute baby and not one of the ugly ones. (Before you all yell at me, I was an ugly baby myself.)

On another note, showed Donald the post from last night and we both got kind of grossed out by the 2nd belly pic (the one front on). The one before it, from above, is all right because it looks cute and chubby, but the one from the front? Ewwwww.

Oh well, whatevs.

S.